Did you know that feeling like you have to go it alone is a trauma reaction? And it impedes healing relief?
ReliefNow-131-Key #3 - Together is Better
[00:00:00] Feeling like you have to do it alone is a trauma reaction, and because it impedes healing so much and keeps us from having a kind of relief that we get when we are together connected. I want to spend some time with you right now helping us understand and let you know. Why and how we're gonna go about this.
[00:00:32] So first, if you had a dear friend and they climbed a tree and they fell out and they broke their arm, you might understand why. They might say, oh, I am never going to climb a tree again. Because the shock and the impact to their body and their emotions from falling out of a tree and breaking a part of us, well, that's a big deal.
[00:01:02] And yet, if they loved. Climbing trees. If something like that was really important to them, that they got a lot out of being connected with the tree. That way you might be like, oh, okay. Yeah, I hear you. It's hard to even imagine going back to something that hurt you that much, and maybe there's a way to do it more safely or a way that you know you can keep your balance and maybe sometimes the risk is worth it.
[00:01:36] So for a lot of us, if you were sick and you were told you're not sick,
[00:01:48] I feel sick, why are you telling me I'm not sick? That's a trauma. To be honest about how you're feeling. I'm really sad. I want to cry.
[00:02:02] We don't cry about things like that. Oh dear. Well, now you're going to have to process that feeling inside and not let it show or do it in secret. I could go on and on and you probably could add a dozen experiences where, you know, emotionally, physically, And in the healing process that we all have to go through as humans, we get hurt, we get sick, we're human.
[00:02:35] That you didn't get the kind of attention, healthy, generous, good boundaries, but really there with you to support your wellbeing. You didn't get that. Now here's the thing, if that was ever chronic, Someone or some ones that you really counted on to keep you safe, to respect your feelings and your physical needs.
[00:03:05] If that was ever chronic, whether it was at your birth or in your marriage, guess what happens? A part of our brain, our primitive brain says, oh, It's a, it's an emotional famine. We don't actually get the kind of energy that would be healing from us from out there. So we have to change. And literally aspects of our, our genes switch, the fancy name is Epigenics, if you wanna look that up.
[00:03:37] But in Epigenics it says, oh, we're surviving a famine. Oh, we're surviving in a world where our emotional needs and reality are dismissed. You know, our ancestors survived really harsh conditions physically and particularly emotionally. We have in our, in our being the capacity to, to live even though our humanity is even being dismissed and we, what happens, we go into survival mode and we feel like we have to go it alone.
[00:04:18] And this actually doesn't have anything to do with how much privilege you had in your growing up. Maybe you were really poor, maybe there was so much money that the poorness was emotional. Whatever it is, this isn't a competition. Your own body is what matters. Your body mind. Before we start this work, it's helpful to kind of check in to where you are, how true something is.
[00:04:50] This is one of the most beautiful aspects of E F T tapping. I think I'd like you to say out loud, I have to go it alone. Go ahead and say that I have to go it alone and feel. By going, practicing, going with and in your body. How true does that feel? I have to go it alone.
[00:05:24] Zero to 10. So 10 in this scale, I have to go it alone. If it's true at a 10, I'm even surprised that you're here with me when you have to go it alone. You're really rejecting most of the energy that might be coming your way in a supportive way because it opens us up, it makes, it would make us vulnerable if we have to go it alone.
[00:05:51] Anything that proves otherwise is going to be a threat. Okay.
[00:05:59] If you're at a 7, 8, 9 and you, you often feel very alone, very isolated, even if you've got family and friends and coworkers around.
[00:06:15] Yeah, absolutely. This, this core belief. If it's there, I have to go it alone. Really does change how energy comes to you and through you, like a magnet. If you've ever tried to put, um, similar poles of the magnet together, they've repulse each other. So even if there is energy coming your way, you're going to repulse it.
[00:06:45] Yes, of course. Because you learned somewhere along the line that. It's not gonna be coming reliably. It's not something that you can count on. I have to go it alone. Your epigenics switched and that's the mode that you're in now. I believe that coming from those high levels down is a building of trust.
[00:07:09] The work that we do going with and in the body helps build a a sense of together with our body. We build on that. And what we're going to be doing together is we're gonna be building on it using some natural forces like air and gravity to build up a, a sense of being with. And together with that isn't just our, our physical body.
[00:07:40] And then we're gonna add some other things and. I'm gonna be going based upon my own experience with lots and lots of clients, as well as, um, my own journey that there are, there's trustworthiness that's sometimes a little easier than others, and. It builds, and we're not trying to push things here. I encourage you as you're listening to something, if it feels like, oh, this is where my practice is.
[00:08:08] This alone is really kind of edgy for me to feel and be open to pause there, practice there. This is, you can get relief, significant relief everywhere along this journey. Which is one of, it's not just an end point where once you get to this place, oh, now I have relief. This is a practice that'll take you from suffering to feeling like, okay, yeah, I'm, I'm doing okay.
[00:08:38] I've got some sensations, some, some of which are painful, but I'm okay. These practices also continue with you as you thrive, as you enter into relationships, which are. Really nourishing for you, whether with professionals or friends and kin and and lovers. And so please take care of yourself, listen to yourself.
[00:09:04] Feel free to pause, and if anything I offer is not right for you, it's okay to recycle it, even compost it. Okay? Let's begin.
Together is Better...
Going it alone sucks... it is sooo much harder. Yet, how many of us were told to "suck it up" and "be strong" and "never show any weakness"? Also, past neglect and abuse can inflict a painful belief that "no one cares anyway, so I have to do it alone."
But the truth is, we are not designed to heal alone! Certain healing pathways only open when we feel connected. When we feel safe, supported, and understood, it takes our healing relief to another level.
And let's face another hard truth: So much of physical and emotional pain can be traced to what humans do to one another (or neglect to do). This can make it really hard to be vulnerable. And often the family members, partners, and friends we have may not be equipped to help. They may even be making things worse.
With this in mind, our approach is to build up your connection with yourself while also tuning into supportive energies you may feel in nature, with furry friends, with safe people you can imagine connecting to, professional relationships, supportive circles, and with spiritual relationships if those are in your worldview. Relief is easier through healthy connection.
Yes, feeling like you have to go it alone is a trauma reaction... and here are a few ways to change that and bring yourself relief...
The truth is that very few people have had their needs well tended by others with consistency and trust.
- We need physical or emotional support, but we're told to "go away" or that we're "too much."
- We need consistency and reliability... then someone we counted on betrays us (or goes away... or dies), and now we're left feeling alone and scared.
- We're human so of course we get hurt or sick sometimes... but then we're shamed or picked on.
- We are individuals and we all have special needs in order to regulate and manage our body and emotions... yet often those are ridiculed or called "high maintenance."
These kinds of traumas trigger the Survive This Alone program in the body-mind. It says, "Well, this is one of those Unsafe Situations that our ancestors have survived over the eons. We know what to do! We'll just pretend to not need anyone else and survive on our own, as rugged and independent as we can pretend... hold on best we can, for as long as we can. We'll change our brain wiring and even our genetic expression! It's hell out there! We've gotta make it through!!"
Ouch. It hurts to even say that. It hurts even more to realize how old traumas impact what we shared... and what we keep secret. It impacts what we let ourselves show, and even what we let ourselves feel. Ouch.
No wonder we need Relief NOW!
All that said...
We are meant to co-regulate. Humans are meant to be Together, to protect, hold, feed, comfort, and yes heal Together. It's time to do that. It's time we as a community seek to co-regulate and fulfill more of our energetic and emotional needs Together.
Yes, this takes addressing relational trauma. Yes, this means we tap through the denial and shutdown and distrust that has built up... and open up slowly and mindfully to those experiences and beings that truly do want to support us in certain ways. And Yes, it means trusting and building the resilience inside each of us and amongst us... so we each can thrive knowing we have a Circle of Support.