July 5, 2011 by Cathy Vartuli

Love and The Fear of Rejection

Fear of rejection is something most of us struggle with. We want to reach out, we want to connect… but we hesitate. Rejection can hurt so much!

Judged and RejectedParents often use fear of rejection to domesticate us. We learn that we need to conform to their expectations or be excluded and unloved. In school, we learn that if we don’t blend, the taunts and jibes can be crushing. And we may have old traumas that taught us that expressing our feelings or showing our authentic selves is dangerous and hurtful.

There is a certain truth that “fitting in” is safer. If we choose to never bathe and always be obnoxious, we probably won’t have a lot of companionship. Society has expectations that allow us to flow along smoothly. There are customs and habits that are considered polite. There isn’t anything wrong with choosing to follow them.

But when we “learn” that we can’t follow our hearts, that we have to hide our opinions, what we feel, and who we are, we lose connection with our authentic self. We end up in a terrible catch-22:

  • We can’t accept ourselves because we’re living a lie, and…
  • We have trouble accepting connection from others because it’s not for who we really are.

Even if you don’t live a lie, it may be very frightening to share who you are. It can feel safer to hide behind a wall and not let people too close.

It takes courage to reclaim ourselves and start living more opening.

This is where tapping can really help. How? First, you are being honest with yourself. You’re stating aloud that you have a fear. And then you are giving that fear energy a direction… a direction towards self-empowerment. Combined with gently tapping power points on the body, the brain and the energy system start to restructure. You can try tapping like this (and do change the words anytime you want!)

Karate Chop: Even though I’m afraid to share who I am… they’ll never accept me, just like back then… what if I could find another way to look at this?

Even though they rejected me, and I’m afraid other people will too, I’m tired of pretending and hiding. What if I could accept myself a little bit right now?

Even though it did made sense to hide back then… they couldn’t see my value… I’m ready to reclaim myself and my power and celebrate who I am.

Top of the Head: I am afraid of rejection.
Eyebrow: It’s really painful!
Side of the Eye: They rejected me.
Under the Eye: I’m afraid others will turn tail and run, too.
Under the Nose: I would like to open up to love more deeply…
Chin: But I’m scared.
Collarbone: I am tired of hiding.
Under the Arm: I’m tired of pretending.

Top of the Head: They rejected me.
Eyebrow: I think that means everyone will.
Side of the Eye: But some people like chocolate…
Under the Eye: And some like vanilla.
Under the Nose: What if I was open to finding people who liked my kind of person?
Chin: I thought I had to fit their mold…
Collarbone: But there are lots of options out there!
Under the Arm: What if there are people who like me just as I am?

Top of the Head: I’m still afraid of rejection.
Eyebrow: But I’m feeling curious now, too.
Side of the Eye: It might be nice to experiment.
Under the Eye: What if I showed a few people a bit more of Who I Am?
Under the Nose: Just for a few minutes.
Chin: I bet that would be okay.
Collarbone: What if some of them really liked me?
Under the Arm: What if *I* liked me?
Top of the Head: It feels really good to allow a bit more of that!

Take a deep breath.

Connection and ConfidenceWhat came up for you? Have you ever noticed that people who are calmly confident and accepting of themselves are very attractive? We’re naturally drawn to people who are authentic and natural. We can learn how to be naturally ourselves ,too… tapping and releasing old traumas can allow your inner self to shine through.

Do you have some specific memories and examples of how you learned this fear of rejection? We have several recordings available as part of our Group Coaching Program that deal with being authentic and feeling safe reaching out. We invite you to join us and connect with your authentic self!


  • great tapping – it gets to the crux of the topic quick (ie theirs more people out their who like you – i really needed that, effective.  thanks for doing this

  • Thank you for this thoughtful article. I love the language you use because it’s not “coach-ey”, but down-to-earth. I’ve “liked” your facebook page on both my personal page and my business page, because your articles contribute so much to both (me and my clients)

  •  I really liked this article and tapping script. It’s so true that we get caught in this trap of not being able to be ourselves, and everyone does that! If we could all show ourselves as we are we’d all feel so much better….

    •  So glad you liked it. My sense is that we are always in the process of becoming more and more ourselves, and expressing and developing more of our authentic gifts. The “tension” we feel that we’re NOT is, on some level, the most natural force for growth in the Universe. The acorn probably feels it, too… but probably without all the self-recriminations. 😉  -Rick

  • yes i would like to connect more but the problem is trusting thats one thing,giving trust to someone is abit hard,especially if you have been betrayed.

    • Emotional trust to me means knowing that “I’ll be okay” even if someone does something that is counter to what they said or intended in the past. It’s not really giving trust to someone else… it’s trusting yourself and your own emotional strength (which CAN be developed and made stronger at the core using techniques like EFT Tapping).

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