July 14, 2011 by Cathy Vartuli

My Boyfriend Stares at Other Women!

My boyfriend stares at other women whenever we go out.  It really gnaws at me – I barely look twice at other guys. Can I tap for that? — Sandra

My Boyfriend Stares at Other Women! 1What do you think will happen if he looks at other women? What do you tell yourself about you? That you’re not pretty enough? Interesting enough? Sexy enough? Lovable enough?

Some people like to appreciate other humans. And many people are hardwired (instinctually tuned) to notice the opposite sex. It doesn’t always mean they plan to cheat or are bored.

Have you tried talking to him about this? Asking him what he feels and notices? For all you know, he might be thinking “Thank GOD I’m not with her, she isn’t nearly as pretty or as wonderful as my girlfriend!”

We all tell ourselves stories about what other people are thinking and feeling. Many times it has NOTHING to do with the person, and everything to do with what we learned and experienced as children (or as a result of a bad relationship trauma later on). When he looks at other women, do you feel less lovable and desirable? When and how did you learn that pattern?

Tapping can help. If we feel acceptable and lovable inside our own skin, we can appreciate that our lover has a good sex drive and enjoys tuning into beauty all around, without feeling hurt or unappreciated. And if he turns out to be a dog, then we can either call him on it and set clear boundaries, or end that relationship to free ourselves to find someone who does appreciate our unique qualities and strengths. What story do you WANT to tell yourself about this?

Feel free to change the words if something else fits better.

Karate Chop: Even though he looks at other women, and I never look at other men, so that MUST mean he doesn’t love me as intensely as I love him, I’m open to finding a new story to tell myself… and to find a surprising calm confidence in me.

Even though I feel unlovable and scared that he’ll leave me, and his looking at other women feeds the fear, I choose to change how I hold this and love and accept myself NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES.

Even though I base my self worth on his actions, what if I could see my beauty and value and claim it for myself? What if I could see that he’s lucky to be with me, and know I’ll be okay no matter what?

Top of the Head: He looks at other women!
Eyebrow: I hate that!
Side of the Eye: I don’t notice other men.
Under the Eye: I notice him.
Under the Nose: Does that mean I’m not enough?
Chin: Does it mean he doesn’t feel drawn to me?
Collarbone: It really hurts!
Under the Arm: I hate this feeling!

Top of the Head: What if the problem isn’t his looking…
Eyebrow:  But what I decided about it?
Side of the Eye: I learned this pattern long ago.
Under the Eye: But I can find a new one.
Under the Nose: I’ve already started!
Chin: I’m tapping right now.
Collarbone: And I’m ready to feel more secure…
Under the Arm: And more lovable, no matter what.

Top of the Head: He does look at other women.
Eyebrow: And I can still feel good about me.
Side of the Eye: He does look at other women…
Under the Eye: And he’s choosing to be with me!
Under the Nose: I choose to love myself.
Chin:  I choose to value myself.
Collarbone: No matter where he looks!
Under the Arm: I am open to calm confidence,
Top of the Head: And peaceful acceptance of who I am.

Take a deep breath.

My Boyfriend Stares at Other Women! 2How does that feel? What comes up when you tap? Are there specific fears and hurts that could use some more tapping? Beliefs or lessons your mother, friends, sisters, movie stars “taught” you that you can transform and release?

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  • What do you tell yourself about you? That you’re not pretty enough? Interesting enough? Sexy enough? Lovable enough?

    • No. I say those things to him though, trying to make him realize what he is doing is not acceptable in a marriage. We are  (well, he claims to be) Christian and according to Christian teaching this is unacceptable behavior especially for a married man. I have accepted my self a long time ago. I am not ugly and never had trouble getting dates.

      • There are ways for a man, if he feels that he truly wants to always and only direct his sexual energy towards his spouse, to create a pathway where if he finds his biological systems stimulated by another woman to shift his attention consciously to his chosen mate.

        That said, God seems to have made us with brain circuitry that responds immediately and subconsciously to the presence of a woman. Testosterone levels increase in a man EVEN IF he consciously does not find her attractive.

        In a recent TV show, the Science of Lust, they also calculated that the circuitry in our heads to “get us back on track” takes about 2.5 seconds to kick in. 

        For me any empowered choice also needs to acknowledge how the Creator wired us, and look for ways to have a healthy balance and boundaries without guilt or shame.


        • ladydavidson26 says:

          God did not create men that way. If that were the case then all men would have the same problem. It is very disrespectful for a man to stare at other women in front of his mate. The time that is spent with her should be respected. He has all the time in the world that is not spent with her to do that. Its not hard at all. Also, if he needs or is sexually aroused by other women which leads him to go home to screw his wife or girlfriend he is obviously thinking of his desires that he has from what he saw and is using his mate to release that energy. Why wont he just be single and screw what he desires, he will not only have the picture in his head but the real thing and stop waisting the time of the person who wants to be in a respectful relationship.

  • Although this is about a BF not a husband, I relate to it and went through the steps. But what if it really truly is a bona fide addiction they have and it also involves young girls and they are close to 60. Have a history of unacceptable conduct with their own daughter. And scared that he will do something to my granddaughters or someone else. There is an unnatural addiction and attraction to females and especially young girls. Will do anything to get their attention and get near them. Is it still my faulty beliefs and faulty thinking?  My children find him acting creepy and don’t want him near their children. But he denies everything. His mother asses everyone and his father and his other male relatives were womanizers. This is learned behavior from his family….is there any chance I can tap to help him? He tries to curb his oggling but just finds ways to be more clever about it and can only hold out for so long. Anything skin, sex or young girls and I don’t exist. Or he tells me I should be looking at it with him and not getting upset about it but enjoying like he is.

    • You’re right that there is a point where a person can become addicted to the dopamine and testosterone rush, and shifting off that addiction… like the healing of ALL addictions… starts with the person acknowledging that there IS a problem here.

      Someone who has a history of inappropriate or unwanted sexual contact with another is best served by professional help by a specialist in sex addiction. You might also get counseling from such a specialist yourself, to help you understand how to have safety for yourself and others. And to get clarity on whether this relationship is likely to be healthy for YOU long term. -Rick

  • ButterCup says:

    my boyfirend constanly is lookinq at other women, and i honestly can’t understand why .. we’ve talked about it and all he ever said about it was, “baby just picture them with they’re clothes off..” . i am bisexuall which means i enjoy both, men &’ women but i don’t think it gives him the riqht too look at evry qirl and imaqine them naked .. through the years of our relationship i have never once did anything with a women because to him it’s considered cheating, i have respected him with being 100% safisted with just him .. but he wants other women .. he tells me that there is’nt much i can do because he is a man ..

    i gave everythinq to him and do EVERYTHING he asks (in the bedroom] ;; what more do i need to do to feel beautiful aqain with him .?

    • You asked “what do I need to do to feel beautiful again with him?” What I sense from your description is that you are equating “beautiful” with “exclusively desirable.” They are not the same, yet there is this cultural fantasy and song lyrics about “I ONLY have eyes for you, dear!” And that that is what is necessary for a relationship to be safe, sexy, and long term. I don’t see it that way.

      Your boyfriend is being more honest with you than most men are about their fantasies. That’s a good sign in the relationship. And there are indeed men who have very little or no libido whatsoever, who can be around even naked beautiful women without being aroused in the least. Such men won’t “see” other women naked… and probably also won’t be much fun in bed with you. But hey, at least he won’t be wanting anyone else either! 😉

      I’ve worked with women clients to help them feel powerful, sexy, alive, and beautiful IN THEMSELVES. That usually means making your own self-image more important than anything external. This is delicious… and it’s something you can keep as yours your entire lifetime… even as your body changes.

      Your boyfriend is making it clear that sexual exclusivity does not extend to his desires or imagination. If you’d like to be okay with that, we can explore some tapping that could help you get there. If that isn’t okay with you, you’re probably looking for a different kind of man entirely. Make sense? -Rick@thrivingnow.com

      • Buttercup u are beautiful no matter what any body thinks, everybody is different, I’m the same I hated my bf lookin at otther women it made me feel wortthless and only there for his needs, it shouldn’t be like that your partner should take yyour feelings into consideration too, why should he look at other women infront of you aare say those words, men are different from women and yes they do have an urge to look at other wommen but itt doesn’t give them tthe right to do that infront of you! If you ave told him how you feel about this and it hurts your feelings he should respect that and try nott to do it, my bf made me feel miserble nd depressed with this you don’t want to feel like tthis all the time everytime u go out, I stopped goin out because I knew the same pattern was goin to happen when I see him lookin at other girls again, so I left him and I got with someone who reppected my feelings and treated me like a persson, it is upto you what you want the most and you can do it if you want it so badly trust me hun don’t let this man feel like his is the one you need, I can give u some tips I don’t know if they will work but its worth a try, try not to act bothered when he looks at other women, keep him pleaased in the bedroom but don’t always ave sex when he wants it you got to leave him wantin more, men love a chasse, act like your not teasin him when really you ar, act more confident in yourself show him your independent even if your with or without him, there some of my tip and they work for me and my bf now all men are different so I don’t know if thiss will work for your relationship but its worth a try.

        • I feel drawn to share that there is a world of difference between ACTING confident or ACTING like it doesn’t bother you… and taking the emotional journey so that you are AUTHENTICALLY confident and at peace. 

          I’ve seen so many clients who “acted” their way into serious depression, disease, and despair. 

          As much as we as humans want/need sex and touch and connection, “working out” issues between parts of a couple without honesty… well, I’ve never seen that lead to a thriving, resilient, long-lasting love. -Rick

  • I am afraid I don’t agree with you that you by nature get back on track in 2.5 seconds (I wish you did). It shows that science is still male orientated and dominated. Biologically, it’s the women who are always in search of a better partner. Remember the queen bee for whom the task of male bees is to merely serve her. I think we women have had enough of this “poor, cannot resist males” syndrome.

    • I’m not sure I’m following you, Betul. The 2.5 seconds was a measure of how long it took on average for men (not bees) driving an automobile to get back to focused driving when a sexually provocative woman was walking by on a residential street. There is a pathway in the brain that flows from instinctual awareness up through higher order thinking. It’s my recollection from the show that the primary researcher was female.

      We as humans are different in that our higher order thinking has the potential to consider long-term ramifications. It’s why men and women who are NOT drinking behave quite differently than ones who are. It’s the same way that someone who is not still suffering from unresolved frozen traumas also behaves differently than someone who is still suffering those effects.

      And when it comes to sexual expression, there are hypergamous women, and hypergamous men. There are frigid men and frigid women. There are men who like their sex spiritual and lovely and women who like it down and dirty, and vice versa. And then we throw in the broad spectrum of sexual preferences…

      If we are partnered with someone and their sexuality is causing us distress, *I* believe that tapping on the distress and fears and negative SELF talk can get us a level of clarity over whether their behavior and preferences are non-negotiable and the relationship must end, or whether they are negative because of the self-talk story in our head.


  • Mahilet_alemayehu says:

    thank u mabey this will help me lot i love my boyfriend more then my life he’s everything to me i don’t want to lose him cuz it’s hard since we have baby togerthr god help me

  • Elisbeth Dominick says:

    I just wanted to express my gratitude and appreciation to prophet salifu on bringing my fiancee back to me,I was in a relationship for 11 years with my fiancee he got tierd of me and he started seeing another lady . he started hailing at me and he was abusive.. and he stop careing for me, but I still loved him with all my heart .the situation made me unsettle and not to focus at work .so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my fiancee back and introduced me to a spell caster? i did not listen to her . i kept on hoping that my fiancee will come back home and beg as he use to . after a month it got out of hand ,i heard news that he is getting married to the other lady .it was so shocking to me ,i felt sad and depressed ,so i contacted my friend again and decieded to try to use spiritual means reluctantly..although I didn’t believe in all those things? I never thought that i will get my fiancee back to me a again. but I was proved wrong,after 2days i contact prophet , my fiancee came back to me and was pleading..that he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it that we are back together and married, the spell was a natural spell and it had no side effect on any one ,Prophet salifu remained consistent and kind throughout and made the process unbelievable I am deeply satisfied and thankful of his work .if in doubt you should email him at (prophetsalifu@yahoo.com )or (prophetsalifu@gmail.com)

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