Mother’s Day can be tender, complicated, painful, beautiful, empty, irritating, numbing, or all of that at once.
Some people want a closer relationship with their mother and feel hurt by what stands in the way. Some people do not want a relationship anymore and still want relief inside themselves. Some mothers are no longer alive, yet their criticism, worry, absence, or energy still lives in the body.
There is no one “right” way to feel about your mother. There is no requirement to forgive, reconnect, celebrate, grieve, explain, or pretend.
What matters is what is true in your body now, and what kind of emotional freedom would feel better for you.
This guide helps with:
- naming the real charge around your mother or Mother’s Day
- tapping on unavailable, critical, worried, chaotic, shut-down, or painful mother energy
- honoring grief without forcing forgiveness
- releasing the need to keep fighting inside
- choosing your own flow and boundaries
- reclaiming connection, calm, and your own life
- appreciating what can be appreciated without denying what hurt
Start With What Is True
The simple inquiry from the session is:
My mother was ___, and that made me feel ___, and I want to feel ___.
Examples:
- My mother was worried, and that made me feel responsible. I want to feel calm and free.
- My mother was unavailable, and that made me feel lonely and disconnected. I want to feel connected and loved.
- My mother was critical, and that made me feel not good enough. I want to feel grounded in my own worth.
- My mother was chaotic, and that made me feel unsafe. I want to feel steady and protected.
- My mother was shut down, and that made me feel rejected. I want to feel open-hearted without chasing her.
- My mother wanted me to take care of her, and that made me feel trapped. I want to follow my own flow and my own yes.
Notice where it lands in your body. Heart, throat, gut, chest, shoulders, jaw, whole nervous system. Give it a 0-10 intensity if that helps.
If this subject is intense, choose a smaller aspect. You do not have to work on the biggest wound first. You can tap on “a little Mother’s Day heaviness” or “that one sentence she used to say” or “the tightness I feel when I see the cards in the store.”
Tapping: My Mother Was…
Use your own words in the blanks.
Side of the Hand: Even though my mother was ___, and that made me feel ___, I accept that this is what is true for me right now.
Even though part of me still carries this in my body, I am open to feeling a little more calm and clear.
Even though Mother’s Day brings this energy up, I do not have to force myself to feel anything false.
Top of the Head: My mother was ___.
Eyebrow: And that made me feel ___.
Side of the Eye: I feel it in my body.
Under the Eye: I have carried this a long time.
Under the Nose: I have tried to suppress it.
Chin: Maybe it feels more intense when I name it.
Collarbone: This is what is true right now.
Under the Arm: And I can tap with what is true.
Top of the Head: I do not have to make this pretty.
Eyebrow: I do not have to make it spiritual.
Side of the Eye: I do not have to forgive on command.
Under the Eye: I do not have to reconnect if that is not right for me.
Under the Nose: I can honor my own body.
Chin: I can honor my own truth.
Collarbone: I can choose what I want to feel now.
Under the Arm: Even if it is only a little more calm.
Top of the Head: I want to feel ___.
Eyebrow: More of that, please.
Side of the Eye: More room in my body.
Under the Eye: More choice in my heart.
Under the Nose: More freedom in my energy.
Chin: More permission to be where I am.
Collarbone: I can take one gentle step.
Under the Arm: Toward how I want to feel.
Take a breath. Notice whether the intensity shifted, softened, clarified, or became more specific.
When She Was Unavailable
One of the painful mother wounds is reaching out and not being received.
Maybe you offered love and she could not let it in. Maybe you needed comfort and she moved away. Maybe she was shut down, afraid, overwhelmed, distracted, addicted, depressed, worried, or simply not able to connect.
That can leave a child feeling lonely, disconnected, defective, or ashamed for needing what children naturally need.
In the session, one healing frame was:
What I did was really sweet. I honor myself for my intentions.
That matters. If you reached for connection and were pushed away, the reaching was not wrong. The loving was not wrong. The need was not wrong.
Tapping: When Mom Was Not Available
Side of the Hand: Even though my mom was not available in the way I needed, and that really hurt, I honor the part of me that wanted connection.
Even though I reached for her and did not get what I needed, I am open to knowing there was nothing wrong with my need.
Even though part of me thought her unavailability meant something was wrong with me, I am open to seeing that differently now.
Top of the Head: My mom just was not available.
Eyebrow: That feels hard on my body.
Side of the Eye: It makes me want to cry.
Under the Eye: Why were you so unavailable?
Under the Nose: I just wanted to love you.
Chin: And have you love me in return.
Collarbone: Maybe you were afraid.
Under the Arm: Maybe you were shut down.
Top of the Head: And it still hurt.
Eyebrow: It really hurt.
Side of the Eye: I give myself permission to grieve.
Under the Eye: I honor my younger self.
Under the Nose: I honor my intentions.
Chin: I wanted to connect.
Collarbone: I always wanted to connect.
Under the Arm: That was a beautiful impulse.
Top of the Head: There are more people and beings I can connect with now.
Eyebrow: More sources of love.
Side of the Eye: More sources of support.
Under the Eye: More room for my heart.
Under the Nose: I do not have to keep chasing what was not available.
Chin: I can let connection come from other places.
Collarbone: I am open to divine connection.
Under the Arm: I am willing to reach back.
Take a breath. Let your body notice that your need for connection is not wrong.
When You Are Still Fighting Her
Sometimes the relationship continues inside us as resistance.
I am still fighting her.
I am still proving something.
I am still pushing back against her voice.
I am still organizing my life around not being like her, not needing her, not letting her win, not letting her control me.
Anger can be protective. Resistance may have helped you survive. But fighting takes energy. At some point, part of you may want peace without surrendering your truth.
That does not mean she was right. It means you deserve more freedom inside your own body.
Tapping: I Am Tired of Fighting Her
Side of the Hand: Even though I feel angry at my mother, and part of me is tired of fighting her all the time, I accept my anger and what it has meant for me.
Even though I have felt this for so long that I do not know who I would be without it, I am open to finding a better way to carry this.
Even though it may not feel safe to let go of the fight, I am open to understanding why and finding more peace.
Top of the Head: I have all this anger.
Eyebrow: I feel like I am fighting her.
Side of the Eye: Resisting her all the time.
Under the Eye: That takes a lot of energy.
Under the Nose: I still feel like I need to do this.
Chin: I must have a good reason.
Collarbone: I accept my anger.
Under the Arm: And all that it means about me.
Top of the Head: Part of me is tired.
Eyebrow: Tired of resisting.
Side of the Eye: Tired of carrying this fight.
Under the Eye: I want to feel more peaceful.
Under the Nose: But it may not feel safe.
Chin: I do not want to lose who I am.
Collarbone: I am open to understanding why.
Under the Arm: I am open to reperceiving this.
Top of the Head: Maybe peace does not mean she wins.
Eyebrow: Maybe peace means I get more of myself back.
Side of the Eye: Maybe I can keep my clarity.
Under the Eye: And release some of the tension.
Under the Nose: I can stop fighting in my body.
Chin: Without betraying myself.
Collarbone: I am open to both truth and peace.
Under the Arm: I am open to finding my own flow.
Take a breath. Notice whether the fight still feels necessary, or whether even a small part of you wants rest.
Choosing Your Own Relationship
Your relationship with your mother does not have to match anyone else’s picture.
- You may choose closeness.
- You may choose distance.
- You may choose no contact.
- You may choose polite contact with strong boundaries.
- You may choose to relate to her memory, her spirit, her humanity, or simply the fact that she was the doorway through which your life came.
- You may choose to not feel much at all.
There is freedom in letting the relationship be what is honest now. Not what a card aisle says. Not what culture says. Not what guilt says.
For some people, healing includes wanting to know who their mother really was underneath the pain. For others, healing includes not needing to know. Both can be valid.
Tapping: I Can Mother Myself Now
Side of the Hand: Even though I did not get the mothering I wanted, I am open to learning how to care for myself now.
Even though she may have shut me out, and I may have learned to shut out my own feelings too, I can understand why that happened.
Even though it was probably a good coping mechanism at the time, I may be ready for more now.
Top of the Head: I did not get the mothering I wanted.
Eyebrow: I may have shut some feelings out.
Side of the Eye: I had to.
Under the Eye: She may have shut me out too.
Under the Nose: We may not have understood each other.
Chin: And now I am not sure how to mother myself.
Collarbone: I miss that.
Under the Arm: I am open to learning.
Top of the Head: What does mothering do?
Eyebrow: Ideally, it cares for us.
Side of the Eye: It holds us.
Under the Eye: It tells us we are loved.
Under the Nose: It protects us.
Chin: Maybe I can do some of that for myself.
Collarbone: That would feel good.
Under the Arm: That would feel really good.
Top of the Head: I can learn to care for myself.
Eyebrow: I can learn to hold myself.
Side of the Eye: I can learn to protect myself.
Under the Eye: I can learn to listen to my body.
Under the Nose: I can learn kinder mothering from many sources.
Chin: It is not too late.
Collarbone: I can receive what is healthy now.
Under the Arm: And let myself grow.
Take a breath. Notice what kind of mothering your body wants from you today.
Appreciating Without Denying
Some appreciation is clean. Some appreciation is forced.
Do not force it.
If gratitude feels like denial, tap on the truth first.
If appreciation feels available, let it be simple:
- Thank you for giving me life.
- Thank you for what you could give.
- Thank you for the times you met my needs.
- Thank you for the contrast that helped me know what I wanted.
- I am moving forward with my own life.
You can appreciate a doorway without pretending the house was safe.
You can celebrate your life without making your mother into someone she was not.
Tapping: Moving Forward With My Own Life
Side of the Hand: Even though my mother was not always what I wanted or needed, I am open to celebrating my own life.
Even though some of this still hurts, I can move forward with honesty and choice.
Even though Mother’s Day may be complicated, I can make this day my own.
Top of the Head: You were not always what I wanted.
Eyebrow: Sometimes you were what I didnot want.
Side of the Eye: And I am allowed to tell the truth about that.
Under the Eye: Thank you for the times you met my needs.
Under the Nose: Thank you for the love you could give.
Chin: Thank you for the contrast.
Collarbone: I am moving forward with my own life.
Under the Arm: And celebrating the life you gave me.
Top of the Head: Making it my own.
Eyebrow: Making this day my own.
Side of the Eye: Making my body my own.
Under the Eye: Making my heart my own.
Under the Nose: I do not have to perform Mother’s Day.
Chin: I do not have to erase my truth.
Collarbone: I can celebrate what feels real.
Under the Arm: And let the rest be what it is.
Take a breath. Notice one honest way you want to care for yourself today.
Session Audio
This guide was adapted from a Thriving Now Circle call with Rick Wilkes and Cathy Vartuli.