After betrayal or abuse, trust can feel like standing on a hot surface: every direction seems dangerous. We may let no one close, or place enormous trust in the first person who feels safe because loneliness has become unbearable.
Trust works better as a series of specific, revisable choices. We do not have to decide whether a person is entirely trustworthy. We can decide what access they have earned in this context.
Separate Kinds of Trust
Someone may be trustworthy with confidential information and unreliable with time. A loving friend may not be equipped for trauma support. A competent professional may not be emotionally safe for personal intimacy.
Ask:
- What exactly am I considering trusting them with?
- What evidence have they shown over time?
- How do they respond to a small no?
- Do they repair mistakes without reversing blame?
- What boundary would limit the cost if I am wrong?
Discernment becomes more accurate when the test is specific.
Build Resilience Alongside Trust
No screening method eliminates every disappointment. When we believe another person’s no, mistake, or departure will destroy us, the decision carries impossible stakes.
Grounding, support, and boundaries give us a firmer place to stand. The goal is not “I can never be hurt.” It is “I can notice, respond, seek help, and recover.”
Tapping: Trust Means Giving Away All Protection
Side of the Hand: Even though trust has brought pain before, I do not have to choose between total exposure and total isolation.
Even though my body cannot always predict every trigger, I can build support and move in layers.
Even though someone may disappoint me, I can strengthen my ability to notice and respond.
Top of the Head: Trust feels dangerous.
Eyebrow: I could miss a warning again.
Side of the Eye: Or I could be alone forever.
Under the Eye: My body wants an absolute answer.
Under the Nose: There may not be one.
Chin: I can ask a smaller trust question.
Collarbone: I can look for behavior over time.
Under the Arm: I can keep boundaries while connection grows.
Top of the Head: How do they handle a small no?
Eyebrow: How do they repair a small mistake?
Side of the Eye: What access has actually been earned?
Under the Eye: What support remains mine?
Under the Nose: I can trust myself to keep noticing.
Chin: I can change the agreement when evidence changes.
Collarbone: Connection does not require surrender.
Under the Arm: Trust can become specific, gradual, and alive.
Take a breath. Choose one relationship and name one thing you trust there, one thing still unproven, and one boundary that supports clarity.
Safety Includes Leaving
A relationship is not made safe by our ability to tolerate more harm. If someone punishes boundaries, uses coercion, or repeatedly distorts reality, the relevant trust decision may be about distance and outside support.
Trauma can make every signal loud or inaccessible. A trauma-informed professional can help distinguish present evidence from old alarm without asking you to override either.
Session Audio
This Guide was adapted from a Thriving Now session with Rick Wilkes and Cathy Vartuli, recorded November 13, 2013. The transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors.
Download MP3 · Transcript · Explore the 2013 collection
This Guide supports emotional exploration but is not a substitute for trauma-informed mental health care, crisis help, or practical safety planning.