“Do not get too close. Do not go away.”
Push-pull energy can look inconsistent, but the body may be trying to protect two important needs at once. Closeness activates fears of engulfment, pressure, exposure, or harm. Distance activates abandonment, loneliness, and the fear that love will disappear.
Healthy relationships also breathe. People move closer and farther depending on mood, capacity, and how they recharge. The problem is not every change in distance. It is losing choice inside the reaction.
Use Imagination as a Safe Measuring Space
Picture someone you care about sitting nearby. Let them move a little closer in your imagination. Notice sensation without interpreting it immediately. Then imagine them stepping back.
Do you feel relief, grief, fear, anger, pressure, warmth, or mixed signals? Where? What movement or sound wants to happen?
Imagination lets us adjust the distance without asking another person to participate. We can practice recognizing body signals before they become an argument, withdrawal, or desperate pursuit.
Holding It Together Is Not Resilience
Many people contract through the center and hide every response. They try not to show discomfort with closeness or distress about distance. That rigidity may look controlled, but it leaves few options.
Resilience includes movement: closer, pause, farther, return. Boundaries are not walls fixed at one distance. They help us sense what is appropriate now and communicate as that changes.
Tapping: Come Here—No, Go Away
Side of the Hand: Even though I want closeness and part of me fears it, both signals are trying to tell me something important.
Even though distance can feel like abandonment, another person moving back does not automatically mean love is gone.
Even though I have been holding everything rigidly together, I can learn a more flexible rhythm.
Top of the Head: Do not get too close.
Eyebrow: Please do not go away.
Side of the Eye: I want you and I feel trapped.
Under the Eye: I need space and fear losing you.
Under the Nose: My body is carrying both stories.
Chin: Neither story makes me broken.
Collarbone: I can notice the exact sensations.
Under the Arm: I can adjust the distance in imagination.
Top of the Head: Closer does not mean no boundaries.
Eyebrow: Farther does not mean no love.
Side of the Eye: I can ask for a pause.
Under the Eye: I can invite a return.
Under the Nose: I can let each person have changing capacity.
Chin: I am learning the distance that fits this moment.
Collarbone: Movement can be part of connection.
Under the Arm: I do not have to solve tenderness with rigidity.
Take a breath. Imagine three distances and notice which one lets your body remain most present—not numb, flooded, or performing.
Look for the Older Story Without Blaming the Present Person
Strong push-pull reactions often formed early. A caregiver may have been intrusive, inconsistent, unavailable, or unable to welcome anger. Present closeness then activates an old loss of choice, while present distance activates an old disappearance.
The current person may also behave in genuinely confusing ways. We can hold both possibilities. The purpose of clearing the old story is not to tolerate poor treatment. It is to make present patterns easier to see.
Ask what you want to create, not only what you want to stop feeling. Perhaps the desired relationship includes affection, honest space, reliable return, and the freedom to change pace. That positive story gives boundaries a direction.
Session Audio
This Guide was adapted from a Thriving Now session with Rick Wilkes and Cathy Vartuli, recorded December 5, 2016. The transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors.