I Have to Be Special to Get What I Want
When needs were met unpredictably, a child may conclude that ordinary wanting has no power. You must be especially good, lucky, charming, useful, sick, accomplished, or pleasing to deserve attention. Even then, receiving something good may feel dangerous because a bad consequence is expected to follow.
As an adult, you have more routes to meeting needs: asking, choosing, negotiating, learning, earning, collaborating, leaving, and finding different people. You do not have to win a worthiness contest before your needs can enter the conversation.
This Guide Helps With
- believing ordinary needs do not count
- performing niceness or achievement to earn care
- feeling powerless unless someone selects you as special
- judging yourself harshly when requests are not met
- fearing that something bad follows every good thing
- building direct, adult routes to needs and wants
Identify the Specialness Strategy
Complete:
- To get care, I learned to be ___
- If I was ordinary, people would ___
- The need underneath my performance is ___
- When something good arrives, I expect ___
- An adult route to this need could be ___
The strategy was intelligent in its original setting. The update is not “I was foolish.” It is “I have more options now.”
Tapping: Ordinary Me Has Needs Too
Side of the Hand: Even though I learned I had to be special to get what I needed, I honor how hard I worked to create a chance of receiving.
Even though part of me feels powerless without being chosen, I have more avenues now than I had when I was small.
Even though good things can trigger fear that something bad will happen next, I am open to receiving in manageable amounts.
Top of the Head: I have to be special.
Eyebrow: Ordinary me will be overlooked.
Side of the Eye: I have to be nice, useful, lucky, or perfect.
Under the Eye: Otherwise I will not get what I need.
Under the Nose: This rule once helped me strategize.
Chin: It also made receiving exhausting.
Collarbone: My needs do not require a performance to exist.
Under the Arm: I can name them directly.
Top of the Head: I may hear yes, no, or another option.
Eyebrow: I can ask more than one source.
Side of the Eye: I can build skills and resources.
Under the Eye: I can receive something good without bracing for punishment.
Under the Nose: I do not have to be exceptional to deserve respect.
Chin: Ordinary human needs belong.
Collarbone: I choose directness over earning love.
Under the Arm: I am open to getting what fits without proving I am special.
Take a breath and name one need in plain language, without a justification.
Build More Routes to Receiving
For one need, list at least five possible routes: ask a loved one, pay for help, trade skills, join a group, learn to provide part yourself, simplify the need, or seek a different environment. Multiple routes reduce the pressure on one person to validate your specialness.
When a good thing arrives, pause. Notice the expectation of backlash and tap on the specific feared consequence. Receiving becomes safer through repeated evidence that nourishment can arrive without punishment.
Session Audio
This guide was adapted from a Thriving Now session with Rick Wilkes and Cathy Vartuli.
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