May 31, 2006 by Rick

#07 – How do I feel good around others?

Listen (16:57) or Download MP3

EFT-Talk Podcast #7—How do I feel good around others?

– You maintain your POWER when you choose your own thoughts.
– Allow others to be where they are without having to change them.
– You do not have to join in and become tuned to a “down” vibration
yourself.
– Key is to UNHOOK yourself using EFT and intentionally using the Law of
Attraction to maintain a focus that is more pleasing to you.
– Ask yourself the question, “Do I want to go there with them… of go
someplace better?”
– Is it more important to you to be RIGHT or to feel GOOD?
– Awareness of the vibration is the first step.
– This is not easy. It takes awareness, practice, exercising your focused
choices, and unhooking from needing other people to be different.

Transcript:

Rick Wilkes:

Welcome to EFT-Talk with your hosts Carol Look and Rick Wilkes. Carol, today our question is a very important one to all us who are trying to stay up beat, trying to stay in a place where our vibration is healthy and we’re noticing the things that we like and celebrating them and feeling grateful. How do you do that when you’re around other people? Especially people that you really care about and you love and you live with that are noticing things that they don’t like and are pointing them out and they’re down compared to you, whether they’re even just a little overwhelmed or a little sensitive or in despair even. How do you keep your vibration healthy in that kind of circumstance?

Carol Look:

Why, it’s so challenging, I know. I would say the most important thing to think about is that you maintain your power when you choose your own thoughts and choose your own feelings. So it is a choice. Now people say, but it’s not a choice; he was in a bad mood or she was crabby. It’s still your choice whether you join them in that story and continue to look with them at what their saying isn’t right. So if you want to stay powerful and feel free you keep making choices even if they’re crabby or being upset about something, and one of the ways that I love doing it is allowing them to be where they are because what makes me lose my power is when someone has a reaction and they’re negative or upset or they’re complaining or they’re just having some kind of negativity and I get that urge to either talk them out of it, change their mood, say don’t be silly what about this, say well didn’t you notice the beautiful flowers. That’s when you get really tensed inside of you is when you’re trying to change where they are. So…

Rick:

You would like them to be different than where they are…

Carol:

Right.

Rick:

Especially if you know you’re going to be sharing a car with them for the next three hours.

Carol:

Right that’s a good one [laughing]. So it’s really important to say ok they are where they are, I don’t want to meet them there, but I don’t have to change them. That is just incredible freedom in this world when you make a decision that you don’t have to change where somebody else is and if someone else is in a bad place, crabby, dark, cynical, you don’t have to join them. Just let them be. Now I’m saying that as if it’s easy. It’s very challenging to do, but once you unhook and figure out how to do it, it’ll really change your day, you know when anybody…I hear conversations on the bus and on and on the subway and I think oh my God do they even know the energy they’re putting out and instead of I continuing to listen and feel crabby about it and think oh those people don’t know what to do. I think stop just allow them to be…they are where they are leave them where they are and then I go back to my own focus. OK, so if they’re talking about that what can I look at?

Rick:

Ah OK.

Carol:

What can I remember?

Rick:

So it’s replacing…you’re intentionally changing the channel so to speak.

Carol:

Yes, yes that’s the only way to do it. You can’t say don’t think about them you know don’t think that fighting twosome on the subway. Don’t think about them, don’t think about them, don’t hear it, don’t hear it. That’s doesn’t work and there’s still a lot of self help groups and books and workshops that’ll you know try to help you not do something. You cannot do that, but you can say
what’s my choice of my focus? Oh they’re now putting poetry up in the subways in New York. That’s beautiful. Oh that’s interesting. Look at that advertisement. That’s pretty. Oh look they are advertising a musical event this summer I wonder if I’ll go to that. No matter where you are, I mean in the tiny little subway car underground you could do it.

Rick:

So what you’re doing is noticing first of all that your vibration is being affected by having tuned into their channel on some level.

Carol:

Yes and that’s an important step. I didn’t use to know, it was just sort of automatic. Oh they’re in a bad mood and then I go down with them. That use to be automatic. Now it’s like huh, they’re in a bad mood and I make a choice now because I learned how. Do I want to go there with them, do I want to join them, or do I want to let them be where they are and I either stay where I am if that was good mood or go to some place else that’s even better.

Rick:

How did you learn how to do it?

Carol:

Oh God it took a long time. The most important, the first step was the awareness that I’m letting them do a gotcha. Like the awareness that I let them and then often that usually didn’t come right away it would come an hour later or a day later I would say oh my God I was in a good mood and then that person started ranting and raving and I got involved in it or I heard it or I joined in and said yeah isn’t that terrible or so that was the first step, is finding out I don’t have to I do have choice. Now it’s very seductive by the way when people complain about things that you also don’t like. Oh is it seductive.

Rick:

[laughing].

Carol:

Oh do you want to throw in your two cents, rah, rah, yes let’s you know. So I had to be aware ok this minute is up to me and then you make that decision, but the awareness comes first. If you don’t have the awareness that you’re letting other people’s vibrations sort of speak take you down with them, you won’t be able to change it or control it, but you are in control of it, and so all those people who say but I’m not in control, you actually really are.

Rick:

Well as your talking, one of the things, as I’m trying to picture myself in these situations, one of the senses that I get is if I don’t join them I’ll be standing out and there’s a tension in the left side of my body as I think about not joining in or not arguing even. I think that was probably what I use to do. If I didn’t agree with somebody I felt that I needed to argue about it.

Carol:

Mmm hmm.

Rick:

And you said the word unhook. Is there some way to use EFT to help unhook in those situations?

Carol:

Yes you can do both. EFT will really help you with you, but if you can’t do EFT in the moment, what you do is unhook emotionally by saying ok fascinating, he’s talking about how lousy the world is and what’s happening. I’m going to focus on… you literally do it step by step. He’s over there or she’s saying how terrible this country is. I’m going to go some place else. So you make a decision, and move away, but definitely let’s do the tapping for it OK.

Rick:

I just had it in my personality that I was right and it was a very annoying trait, [laughing] but I can see certain cases where the way that I shift when I hear somebody saying something, is I focus on something that I know to be true that is the counter but without having to say it.

Carol:

Right.

Rick:

So combines me feeling that sense of you know I have another perspective on this. I have a knowing in a different way, but also combined with a detachment of ah, I don’t need to change them. I don’t need to convince them that I’m right.

Carol:

Your life will change…

Right:

But I did a lot of tapping on that one. Not needing to convince someone else that I’m right.

Carol:

That’s very empowering to know you don’t have to convince anyone or change anyone and they are where they are.

Rick:

And it’s harder when…I’ll like for you to incorporate with the EFT session the concept of yeah that’s fine if they’re a stranger on the subway, but what if it’s a spouse, a child…

Carol:

Someone close to you.

Rick:

A friend. Just as I think about it I feel more tense in my body with having somebody that I love hold a different opinion about something that I do. That feels like this isn’t good.

Carol:

Well the stakes are up. Much more important. Now another thing, I have an if only. If only people would learn how to listen to each other. Someone was talking in a class about how their husband was so crabby and upset and always says negative things and I said have you ever tried listening to him and she looked at me like what are you talking about. If you listen behind the crabby tirade, there is frustration, resentment, hurt. There is a feeling that if you connect to it and say, “Oh my God is sounds like you’re so frustrated about what happened.” Then you would join them in a way that doesn’t take your energy down, but you actually have a way to match them.

Rick:

Ah.

Carol:

You hear them and say, “It seems like you’re really disappointed that this didn’t work out for you” and it’s totally different. Talk about changing the energy. They feel heard, instead of argued with. You feel like you’ve got a way to meet them, as you said, instead of feeling left out. You don’t have to argue, they just are where they are. It’s like if someone tried to talk to out of being hurt. If I hurt you, and you said, “God, Carol, that really wasn’t very nice of you,” and I didn’t hear you, it would be an argument.

Rick:

Yes.

Carol:

But, I could slow down and say, “Wow Rick, boy it seems like you were really hurt by what I said last week, and that it really missed you by a mile, and didn’t seem very sensitive,” a lot would change.

Rick:

And you’re not really matching me vibrationally. You’re just hearing where I am.

Carol:

Right. Acknowledging it and respecting it.

Rick:

Yeah, coming from a place of your own safety.

Carol:

Yeah.

Rick:

Great, Thank you.

Carol:

Good. Let’s do a little tapping on it.

Rick:

Wonderful.

Carol:

So, left doubt and arguing, and right all of those things.

Rick:

Yeah.

Carol:

Everyone, don’t forget that you can look at the EFT Talk website and see the picture of the points for the EFT Tapping. Please, go there is you haven’t already. We start on the karate chop point.

Rick:

Got it.

Carol:

Even though I hate it when they’re negative.

Rick:

Even though I hate it when they’re negative.

Carol:

It makes me all tense and uptight…

Rick:

It makes me all tense and uptight.

Carol:

And I don’t know what to do about it.

Rick:

And I don’t know what to do about it.

Carol:

I choose to appreciate how I feel.

Rick:

I choose to appreciate how I feel.

Carol:

Even though I’m afraid.

Rick:

Even though I’m afraid.

Carol:

That I’m not going to be able to maintain my good vibration.

Rick:

That I’m not going to be able to maintain my good vibration.

Carol:

I choose to remember.

Rick:

I choose to remember.

Carol:

That I’m in charge.

Rick:

That I’m in charge.

Carol:

Even though I get uptight.

Rick:

Even though I get uptight.

Carol:

When someone I love.

Rick:

When someone I love.

Carol:

Is very critical.

Rick:

Is very critical.

Carol:

I accept who I am.

Rick:

I accept who I am.

Carol:

How I feel.

Rick:

How I feel.

Carol:

And how my body feels about this problem.

Rick:

And how my body feels about this problem.

Carol:

Eyebrow. I don’t want to feel left out.

Rick:

I don’t want to feel left out.

Carol: Side of the eye. I learned to argue.

Rick:

I learned to argue.

Carol:

Under the eye. I’m right.

Rick:

I’m right.

Carol: Under the nose. They shouldn’t be so critical.

Rick:

They shouldn’t be so critical.

Carol:

Chin. So what?

Rick:

So what?

Carol:

Collarbone. It’s none of my business.

Rick:

It’s really none of my business.

Carol:

Armpit. I want to choose my thought.

Rick:

I want to choose my thought.

Carol:

Top of the head. I want to choose my feelings.

Rick:

I want to choose my feelings.

Carol:

Good. Take a deep breath.

Rick:

Now I’m afraid I’ll laugh at the person, and then they’ll get even more angry. [Laughter]

Carol:

That’s a possibility. All right. But how do you feel?

Rick:

Better. As I think about situations, there’s still a tightness in my upper left chest. It just doesn’t feel like it’s a safe place to be, where other people are negative.

Carol:

Karate chop. Even though I don’t feel safe.

Rick:

Even though I don’t feel safe.

Carol:

When they are being critical.

Rick:

When they are being critical.

Carol:

I choose to relax.

Rick:

I choose to relax.

Carol:

And just witness.

Rick:

Good word. And just witness.

Carol:

Even though I don’t feel safe.

Rick:

Even though I don’t feel safe.

Carol:

When they are being critical.

Rick:

When they are being critical.

Carol:

I choose to relax my body.

Rick:

I choose to relax my body.

Carol:

And just notice what’s happening.

Rick:

And just notice what’s happening.

Carol:

Even though I get so uptight.

Rick:

Even though I get so uptight.

Carol:

When someone else is critical.

Rick:

When someone else is critical.

Carol:

And I have this urge to argue.

Rick:

And I have this urge to argue.

Carol:

I choose to accept how I feel.

Rick:

I choose to accept how I feel.

Carol:

And how they feel.

Rick:

And how they feel.

Carol:

Eyebrow. I accept how we feel.

Rick:

I accept how we feel.

Carol: Side of the eye. I accept how we both feel.

Rick:

I accept how we both feel.

Carol:

Under the eye. They can be negative.

Rick:

They can be negative.

Carol: Under the nose. So can I.

Rick:

So can I.

Carol:

Chin. They can be negative.

Rick:

They can be negative.

Carol:

Collarbone. And I’m going to make a choice.

Rick:

And I’m going to make a choice.

Carol:

Armpit. I choose to release the tension about this issue.

Rick:

I choose to release the tension about this issue.

Carol:

Top of the head. I choose to feel calm and relaxed.

Rick:

I choose to feel calm and relaxed.

Carol:

Even when they’re critical.

Rick:

Even when they’re critical.

Carol:

Good. Take a breath.

Rick:

[Exhales] Oh, much better.

Carol:

Much better?

Rick:

Yeah. I feel like I just get this silly grin on my face.

Carol:

Well, it gives you options. The problem is when someone is being very critical and the criticism is coming at you the knee-jerk reaction is to defend yourself and say, “Yes, but,” and “No, but” and “What about this?” and, “You’re not understanding me” instead of just letting the… Now I’m not talking about a verbally abusive situation, just basic friendships, boss and employees, spouses, children. I’m talking about everybody.

Rick:

Right.

Carol:

You want to be able to just let them be where they are and then notice what’s going on. “Wow, they’re really frustrated today. I’m not.”

Rick:

I’m not. [Laughter]

Carol:

Instead of scrambling. That’s what we all do, we scramble to defend ourselves. Or scramble to say, “Yes, but you don’t understand.” Well, why don’t you try understanding first?

Rick:

Yeah.

Carol:

That’s a toughie.

Rick:

Yeah. On any given day there are people in coal mines and there are people on the beach, so it’s… yeah.

Carol:

It is really challenging. I think that is something. We’ll even do another one later on this same topic, because it’s just so common that people are critical. They start talking in a certain way, and people start to get scared. They’re like “no one, I don’t want it to influence me” Well, it doesn’t have to influence you.

Rick:

Right.

Carol:

But it takes work and practice. Before when you asked how did you learn that? It did not come in a day.

Rick:

No. Absolutely not.

Carol:

You and I both practiced and practiced and practiced that. And you know what? Sometimes guess what?

Rick:

[laughter]

Carol:

I’m still doing it the other way.

Rick:

Some people have very strong energies. And I know that the sensitivity that I have, which is a gift, is also a sensitivity that I have to learn to manage. And the things that I do to nourish and cleanse myself energetically, physically — these are things that are crucial for me. I am a high-maintenance person, and that means that my meditation time and allowing that energy to clear, and the massage work that I get and walking, and gratitude and journaling. These are all ways that I clear energies that seem to be in the environment.

If I go to a bar and there’s smoking, when I leave there, I smell like smoke, even though I’ve never smoked in my life. And you need to get cleaned up. You need to wash your clothes and shower in order to clean that off of you. I think sometimes when we’re in environments that are energetically smoky, I don’t know. I’m sure some people have gotten to the place when they can do that and be in those places without being affected. I’m not there yet, even though I’ve done a lot of work to get to become less affected.

Carol:

Well, it’s so challenging. I was talking someone this morning and she hadn’t had time for her therapy or her readings or her prayer. She hasn’t had time for anything to take care of herself. And she wonders why she’s feeling drained and exhausted. You know, you can’t have 23 hours a day of working and taking care of her little daughter and not have any replenishment time.

Rick:

No, and of all the things that we try to teach, people try to think about selfishness and they think about it’s something where I have to put other people first. But you have to tend to your own flame. You have to tend to your own body, mind and spirit first and foremost before you have anything useful to offer anyone else, including a compassionate… It feels like you’re really disappointed. And if you’re not attending to your own emotional self-care first, there’s no chance that you’ll ever be able to come out with that. So what we teach and what we coach is about really paying attention to your own self first, so that you have some of that compassion to offer other people without feeling unsafe yourself.

Carol:

All right.

Rick:

Thank you very much, Carol.

Carol:

My pleasure.

Rick:

If anyone else has a question that they would like to send us, please email us at ask@eft-talk.com and we look forward to hearing from you. Thank you, Carol.

Carol:

Thank you, Rick.

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