Jealousy Video 2: Myths About Jealousy – Does the Octopus Have a Hold On You?
Cathy: Thanks so much for all your comments and for watching the videos. We’re really delighted that you’re taking the time out of your life to make a difference in your life and the lives of all those people around you.
Reid: In trying to get a hold over this thing called jealousy.
Cathy: Yes. When you get a hold on jealousy, when you know how to meet your needs, when you understand what’s happening and you can make changes in your life, you feel so much more empowered. You’re not constantly blaming other people or feeling at the whim of their attention.
I dated someone when I was younger and I was so jealous. He’s a really sweet guy, and I spent so much energy and time being jealous. If his eyes strayed while we were having dinner, even if he was just looking around, I was immediately jealous and it took a lot out of our relationship. I was so insecure about it and he was, like I said, an amazing person but I wasn’t always there for him. I really wasn’t there with the relationship, I was there making sure he wasn’t going someplace else.
Reid: I’m sure that made him feel great.
Cathy: Yeah, there was lots of blame and discord and it’s just not the way I want to live and I’m pretty sure it’s not the way you want to live.
Reid: Sure and then for those of us who’ve ever dated or worked for somebody who’s jealous, all of a sudden, I’m trying to either walk on eggshells and make sure I don’t trigger your jealousy or I’m just trying to make sense of what’s going on, what did I do now?
So on both sides of the fence, there’s a lot of emotional energy and bandwidth being sucked up… aside from this idea that what you’re actually projecting out into the world and the universe is all this negativity and confusion which doesn’t necessarily bring back clarity and peace.
Cathy: Yes, so when you have this need to control, people are going to be jealous, you’re going to be jealous, you’re going to get hungry. But it’s like being hungry and not having a clue what’s wrong and kind of denying what’s happening versus knowing you’re hungry, being able to tell the people around you, ‘hey, I’m really hungry. Will you be willing to help me?’ Even if they’re not available, you can go and get a burger yourself. It’s a totally different mind-set.
Reid: Yeah, and that ability to be self-sufficient in managing your own emotional roller-coasters, to actually be able to pull the power switch on the rollercoaster and stop it so that you can get off. In our culture, we don’t even think that’s possible, and it is.
Cathy: And it adds so much ease for the people around you. If I want to help and Reid’s all jealous and I’m not sure what to do, it’s scary. It’s like, I feel like a bad person because I don’t know how to help. If you can say hey, ‘I just need a burger right now,’ okay I understand what’s wrong and to help you is a lot easier.
Reid: Yes, so once you get to understand your needs, you can then break them down and stop that rollercoaster, and then ideally, you can get those needs met, like you can pack a hamburger to where you’re going (and now I’m thinking about food). You can pack that, get those needs met ahead of time, so that jealousy is harder to trigger.
What’s really interesting is I’ve worked with a lot of people who suffer from tremendous amounts of jealousy. They never knew it was even possible to manage it at all so all they could do was avoid it and just pray that nothing happened.
Once you learn what those eight arms of the octopus are, how to keep them from being tugged or how to inoculate yourself from those triggers to begin with, then there’s a sense of self-confidence and almost like wonder for like, I’ve been living this way for my whole life and then all of a sudden…
Cathy: Doors open up.
Reid: Yeah, and I don’t have to be a victim of my own emotions.
Cathy: You can actually identify it faster. Rick Wilkes and I are business partners and best friends, we have a great relationship and we live far apart. He’s in West Virginia, I’m in Dallas and he would be talking about all these fun things he did on his boat with his friends and I couldn’t figure out what was going on.
I was feeling really grumpy. We were kind of chatting before we were going to work and I was really shut down afterwards. I didn’t feel connected at all so we ended up not being as productive as we wanted to be. Having listened to your program, your framework, I was like, oh my God, I’m not feeling like I’m important in his life. He’s talking about all these other people that are adding value in his life but I don’t feel like I’m adding value.
Reid: The eight arms for those of you who are probably wondering what they are, the basic arms, and we’ll explain them in depth during the program… loneliness, rejection, loss, your insecurity about a relationship not your insecurity about yourself, a need to feel special could be one of those arms that comes for you in the night.
This idea of how does fairness and equity apply in your relationship around the sense of justice, like that is fair, what’s going on and we are equals. Then the longing and scarcity come into play and feelings of you being inferior come into play. Those things comprise those eight arms of jealousy, and also there’s a little bit of envy, those last two arms – longing and scarcity and inferiority are the envy pieces. The reason I say that is what was your arm that was getting tugged? What tentacle is coming for you?
Cathy: I was feeling inferior. So it wasn’t jealousy… it was envy. It wasn’t that I wanted him not to have the time on the boat, but I wanted to be there too. I wanted to feel like I was part of that.
Reid: Got it. Another distinction: envy and jealousy are kind of kissing cousins but we’ll deal with them the same because you can unplug them or un-trigger yourself the same way. Envy is this idea of what you guys are doing I would like to be doing. Jealousy is I want person X out of the equation and I want to be that there person. So there’s the difference between the jealousy is me wanting to do things with you specifically and that other person out. Envy is this idea of…
Cathy: Me too.
Reid: Me too. Like what you’re having is what I would like to have and it may or may not include you.
Cathy: Right. So I have envy about that. It was really neat once I identified it… because we were having this conflict and I was feeling really bad. Like I wanted to celebrate that he was having this great time, and I was feeling really grumpy about it. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Once I identified that, I could tell him and we worked out a great solution. It’s really simple.
Reid: So what was the need, and you’ll learn about this when we go through the whole program, what was the need that the tentacle was coming for to try to get you to fulfil?
Cathy: I wanted to feel like I was important to his life. So now when he spends an hour talking about what a great time he had in the boat with all these different people, as long as some place in there, he goes, ‘you know, it would have been really great if you’d been there. I really love you, you’re important in my life.’ So like a couple of sentences totally changed my energy about it.
Reid: And just unplugs that whole thing.
Cathy: Yes, so I’m important to you, we’re good. It just felt great.
Reid: And then no jealousy?
Reid: For some of you, you’re like, oh, I wish it was that simple. What your situation might be is that three or four arms are getting tugged at the same time and so you’re feeling a complex mix of emotions. For those of you who are watching this being like, inferiority, how does that make you jealous? That probably means that that tentacle is not one of yours that needs to get tugged.
Cathy: Yeah. There’s some myths about jealousy that a lot of us have. One, that if I talk about it, it’s going to make me look like a really bad person. Like it’s…
Reid: admitting I’m a jealous person.
Cathy: And I think a lot of that comes because people didn’t have a solution for it. So if we don’t have the solution, let’s just hide it in the closet and let it ferment for a while maybe it will go away.
Reid: And that never works.
Cathy: It doesn’t. You can talk about it and we’re going to show you how. Really simple steps how you can get a grok, you can understand it and how you can get a handle on it and transform it for yourself. What’s another myth?
Reid: Another myth is that jealousy destroys relationships. Jealousy left unchecked or festering in the corner will destroy your relationship but if you start looking at jealousy as this dashboard-like signal that there are needs that need to be met, and you can look through and have the tools to figure out what the needs are. Then, you can communicate with your partner. Hey, I have this, in this case, a need to feel special. Can you help me fulfill that need?
And then, once you know what your needs are, if you’re really smart, you’ll start looking in other areas of your life where you can get those needs met so it’s not just… I’m not just sourcing all my needs from one person. From my partner or from my boss or from my best friend at school. If you start sourcing your needs from different areas of your life, then what you’re doing is you’re nourishing yourself across the board and that puts less pressure on your partners too, to be the ones that have to fulfil everything so that you don’t have jealousy.
Cathy: Right. I think that leads to another myth that it’s the other person’s job to fix it, which gives away all your power.
If it’s Reid’s job to fix it, I can ask him. But if I can’t even tell him what’s wrong or what’s going on, just never look at anyone else again and keep telling me I’m perfect all the time. My god, it’s not a fun relationship. When you reclaim your power and know that it’s not so much about the other person, it’s about you and, and you can request what you need, but you can also get those needs met from, like what you said, from a lot of people.
Reid: Yeah, so it’s less of a burden on them. And then you’re more empowered. Oh my God, much more attractive relationship-wise, much more interesting to work with that co-worker and consider that person maybe for promotion rather than the person that you’re walking on eggshells with. Like if I don’t promote them, I’m going to get shocked or something.
Cathy: They’re going to slash my tires. So Reid, what’s the number one challenge about jealousy? With dealing with jealousy?
Reid: I would say the number one challenge for people in dealing with jealousy is…
Cathy: Trying to deal with it when you’re jealous?
Reid: Yeah, actually, that’s right. I was thinking, well, we could go a couple of ways. I would say like, the number one challenge is trying to deal with jealousy, when you’re feeling jealous.
Cathy: You’re in the chemical soup.
Reid: Yeah. Most people don’t know how to handle it, that’s a black belt move. Like, you don’t know how to… that’s like driving while drunk. I’m not advocating that, but the idea of how can you learn your emotional responses… how to navigate your emotional soup when you get triggered. It’s like knowing what to do when you’re having the asthma attack.
And when you know what your tentacles are, what your need are underneath them, maybe when you’re in your big soup of chemical jealousy, you’re not very effective. But if I share with all the people on my community that hey, when I’m jealous, it’s usually this, this, and this that I need. If you see me doing that, will you just remind me that these are the things I need or if you’re in the mood, can you just give them to me?
Training the people in your community how to support you, that is huge because then they can support you while you’re in your brain soup and just make things easier on you. It’s still going to take 15 or 20 minutes for your blood chemistry to settle down.
Cathy: You can do things like go take a walk. We have some wonderful grounding exercises on http://www.ThrivingNow.com/grounding. Go do a few of those. Just some tapping to change your mental state.
Reid: Yeah, so that you don’t feel so completely bereft of any… like you’re just, I’m completely helpless. When your community, when you train them how to do that, the other benefit is you’re role modelling for them to figure out what their needs are and that they tell you so that you don’t have to play mind games. How nice would that be?
Cathy: It adds ease all over the place. So again, we’re delighted that you’re taking the time out of your life to learn this. It can add so much… the reward is amazing. So we’d love to get your comments and…
Reid: Share below who you shared this information with. Use what we just talked about, share the video, but use what we talked about to have a conversation with somebody about jealousy and…
Cathy: Or share this video with them.
Reid: Or share this video and then share… have a conversation about that with them and share anything like, what did you get out of having that conversation or sharing that with somebody?
Cathy: Your comments below can make a difference to someone else. Someone else may see something that you shared in a particular way and bring a light bulb on for them.
Reid: So please, engage with us. Thanks.