Jealousy Video 1: Feel More Confident and Secure by Identifying Your Jealousy Triggers
Cathy: Jealousy can cause a lot of pain in your life. If you’ve felt that, if you’ve felt times when you just were judging yourself, comparing yourself to others or feeling like you couldn’t go on because you weren’t getting what you needed, it can really cause a lot of stress and take a lot of effort, wear you out and you don’t give your best to the world.
Reid: Yes, if you’re somebody who gets the green-eyed beast of jealousy comes up with its tentacles and pulls you down and just makes your life a wreck, or if you’re in love with somebody or work with somebody in the workplace or in school with somebody who just drives you crazy because they’re the jealous one, I think we might have some tools for you today.
Cathy: Everyone gets jealous sometimes so these techniques and skills are really powerful and could make a difference in everyone’s lives. So I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.ThrivingNow.com and http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: We love that we can teach you how to live your life differently, interact with people differently, and actually, you can role model these skills so that your children, your co-workers, your partner…
Reid: your mother-in-law
Cathy: (laughter) Can all get their needs met and feel more secure and confident in the relationship. When you’re not feeling secure and jealousy’s running your life, it can make your world really small. For instance, if I’m jealous of Reid, I’m constantly looking at him and feeling out of control, feeling like whatever he does can cause me really intense pain, and that’s not a good way to feel. So I might be constantly watching him to see, oh, did he look at that woman or did he pay attention to me or…
Reid: Or did I book that teaching gig. It could be anything.
Cathy: Yeah, it could be work-wise too. It gives him all the power and I don’t feel powerful, I just feel like he’s constantly hurting me and there’s a lot of blame and discord in any kind of connection. Whether it’s work, friendship…
Reid: Not very attractive.
Cathy: No, it’s not. So I understand how much this is going to hurt, I grew up in a very jealous family. My family had no idea how to deal with this and I remember lots of times when I was a little kid, my sister and I hiding behind the couch crying because my parents were fighting about something, either perceived or actual that hurt one of them. They had no idea how to handle it. It caused them a lot of pain… they ended up getting divorced, very messy divorce, and as children, we were just trapped… it was frightening. We were constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Reid: And also the feeling of not having power as a child, watching your parents fight over jealousy, and then you do experience jealousy, just leaves you feeling even worse because it’s reacting with a lot of that past stuff.
Cathy: So I’m really excited about these techniques and skills because they made a huge difference in my life and helped me feel so much better about… yeah, I can feel jealous, people do feel jealous, and there’s things I can do to get my needs met, to calm that, to do some tapping on it, to change how I hold it.
Reid: For me, I grew up in a family where my younger brother was THE football star of New Hampshire and still is the person… they talk about him. I was the fat seventh-grader who oftentimes was too heavy to even play to make the weight limit. So I would have all this envy going on for myself and later on, I would learn how to take that envy and redirect it using these techniques so that I could actually celebrate my brother’s greatness and his achievements, which gave me the freedom to go create my own achievements not in a competitive way, but in a way where it brought us closer together.
I still that way too with my sex educator peers when they book some job that I’m envious about. It creates that distance between us but because I can interrupt that jealousy and envy, I can actually praise them and learn from them like, how did you do that thing that you did so that I can create that too in my life?
Cathy: Yes! I was really excited about the way Reid talks jealousy when I first started because it meshes so well with what we talk about with how we hold beliefs at Thriving Now and using his framework, it was really easy to see where we could tap (EFT/Tapping) to change it rather than jealousy being this big amorphous like, how do I approach it? So can you talk a little bit about it?
Reid: Sure. The framework that we’ll be delivering to you is this idea that you can treat jealousy like it’s asthma. There are triggers for jealousy, like cat dander of jealousy that gets you wheezing and your chest gets constricted. Once you know what your triggers are, there are eight basic triggers, you can then learn how to just avoid the cat dander, don’t go to the person’s house who has eight cats. You can avoid those triggers that set off your jealousy, and then when you get really savvy with it, you can start looking at what are the needs underneath those triggers, get those needs met in your life, so that jealousy doesn’t really happen.
Jealousy can be looked at as a signal that there are needs in your life that you’re not getting, that you’re not asking for or getting met. Once you learn how to source those needs, when things are going really well and you feel top of the world, it’s really hard to feel jealous. You sourcing and getting those needs met allows you to even walk through the world with this sense of confidence. Knowing these tools may also allow you to support somebody in your life who has those fits of jealousy because you get to help them figure out what they’re needs are and how those get met.
Cathy: I love that fact that you can identify those, like you said, and we’ll do a lot of tapping on different beliefs that might be causing those triggers to be really active for you. So if you feel inferior or not good enough, anything that rubs against that sore spot, if you have that belief, that trauma, then we can do tapping to help that sore spot not be so sore so you feel much more empowered.
Reid: Some of you might be thinking this is impossible. Reid, Cathy, I’ve been racked with jealousy my entire life. My parents, everyone in my family is jealous. If you feel powerless about this to the degree that you’re like, there’s no way that you can help me. Understand that because our culture, especially around relationships, avoids jealousy at all cost because jealousy destroys.
Cathy: It’s shameful too. We’re kind of taught that if you’re jealous, you’re needy, you’re not cool, there’s something wrong with you, so we don’t talk about it.
Reid: Yeah, so they’re just like… the silence and the avoiding it to begin with. Basically, what that means is that most of our culture, most of the people around you have grown up with their jealousy muscles completely atrophied. When you start to learn these skill sets and start to get your sea legs and realize, oh my goodness, I actually can make a difference around these complex swirls of emotion. That’s an amazing moment for a lot of people because it’s like our culture doesn’t even think that’s possible, and it is.
Cathy: Yeah. Because so many people are ashamed to talk about jealousy or even admit they’re jealous, what we’d love to do is offer you a challenge. If you can’t talk about it, if you can’t admit you have a problem, you’re not going to make any changes. Tapping generally starts with admitting you have a problem and doing some tapping even though I have this problem, we’d love to have you do and you can tap while you do it if you like, is leave some comments below. Share how you’re jealous, and then share how much ease could be added to your life if that jealousy was even lessened 50%.
Reid: Yeah, if you could lessen or maybe even completely nullify jealousy in your life, what would that mean to you and what would that give you access to in your life? That’s the challenge.
Cathy: Yeah, how would it affect you and how would it affect those around you?
Reid: With every challenge comes a reward.
Cathy: Yes, of course. So what we’re going to is we’re going to personally read through the comments and we look forward to hearing what you have to say and we’re going to choose someone from the comments and give them a free program. (Respond before October 13th, 2012 to be entered!)
Reid: Yeah. If you win, you get to take our Taming the 8-Armed Octopus of Jealousy program for free. But to do that, you have to leave a comment. So please, leave a comment.
Cathy: And you have to leave a comment before our…
Reid: Before our second video.
Reid: Which is when we will actually show you the eight arms of the octopus.
Cathy: Comment and like below.