Taking Care of Yourself Around Toxic Family

Family ConflictIt’s hard when family or friends feel the need for us to conform to a pattern that we spent years breaking out of! They may become defensive or verbally abusive if we don’t meet their expectations. They may do everything they can to push us back into that old pattern, ignoring all the changes we’ve made.

If we choose to be around them, there are things we can do to take care of ourselves and ensure that they’re at least somewhat safe and respectful.

If you can take someone with you as a buffer, that can go a long way towards easing the discomfort and pain of being around the toxic relatives. You can even energetically “invite” a trusted friend or two, or a therapist or coach, to come as energetic buffers if you like. They may not be there in physical form — but imagining them there with you giving you suggestions and comfort can make a big difference.

Donna Eden’s Zip-up method (YouTube) can make a big difference around toxic people.

And you can tap! Feel free to change the words to fit your situation:

Karate Chop: Even though they NEED me to be something I’m not, and they can’t see the real me, I choose to be authentic and let them deal with their own emotions.

Even though they are really uncomfortable if I’m not the punching bag, I choose to accept myself no matter what they say.

Even though I’m pretty angry at them for not treating me respectfully, maybe they’re lost in their own traumas and can’t see me. I’m open to being relaxed and calm and taking care of myself.

Top of the Head: I’m tired of being their punching bag.
Eyebrow: They used me to avoid their feelings.
Side of the Eye: They need me to fit into the old mold…
Under the Eye: Or their house of cards comes tumbling down.
Under the Nose: They are really frightened.
Chin: And they take it out on me!
Collarbone: I’m tired of playing that role…
Under the Arm: And I choose to be authentic and let them deal with their own stuff.

Top of the Head: It hurts when they judge me.
Eyebrow: I’m open to realizing they are projecting their own fears.
Side of the Eye: It isn’t really about me.
Under the Eye: It must be really miserable inside them.
Under the Nose: I’m so grateful I choose a different path.
Chin: I’m proud of the changes I have made…
Collarbone: Even if they can’t see that.
Under the Arm: I choose to accept myself no matter what they say.

Top of the Head: I wish I were rock steady around them.
Eyebrow: But I’m not always… yet.
Side of the Eye: I accept myself and all my feelings.
Under the Eye: And I’m doing something to soothe myself right now.
Under the Nose: I can take care of myself now.
Chin: And let them stew in their own guilt and fear.
Collarbone: My needs come first…
Under the Arm: And I’m taking care of myself.
Top of the Head: I choose to give them back their old energies and celebrate my
freedom.

Take a deep breath.

Loving ConnectionHow do you feel now? Does it feel better or do you notice other memories and energies coming up?

Do some Inner Tapping on any parts of you that are terrified of taking care of yourself. That can give you an improved sense of safety and freedom. And our Group Coaching Program is a great way learn new boundaries and self-empowering patterns. Join us today… we’d love to have you!

  • http://www.thrivingnow.com Thriving Now

    Karate Chop: Even though they NEED me to be something
    I’m not, and they can’t see the real me, I choose to be authentic and
    let them deal with their own emotions.

  • http://www.thrivingnow.com Thriving Now

    Karate Chop: Even though they NEED me to be something
    I’m not, and they can’t see the real me, I choose to be authentic and
    let them deal with their own emotions.

  • carol

    —I wish i had seen this before i visited my mother this week. She gave me such a hard time——makes me not want to visit her again for a long while.  It was worse as i had my grandchildren with me too and she was equally horrid to them – and they are only 7 and 3 yrs old.
    So.thank you for this – i shall keep it & use it another time.

    Carol

  • Meg Wells

    My two older sisters enjoy talking about other people behind their backs and playing the blame game. As the youngest child I have endured their acid remarks, assults both physical and emotional and have been their punching bag for years. It has only been through tapping that I have learned to forgive them and accept them for who they are, as they can only hurt me if I allow them to; which I don’t any more.
    We can’t change who our family members are, what they do or how they act but we can change how we respond and interact with them.
    The tapping script for dealing with toxic family members is very appropriate and opens the flood gates on a lot of memories and emotional scars that can be tapped on, healing our past and changing our own outlook as a member of a dysfunctional family. 

    • http://www.thrivingnow.com Thriving Now

      “We can’t change who our family members are, what they do or how they act
      but we can change how we respond and interact with them.” Wise words, Meg. Thanks for sharing.

    • lola

      I have 3 older sisters,the first 2 are toxic…I can see now at the age of 32 just how badly this has ruled over my life..It still goes on with playing game devaluing putting down in anyway they can find bulling and many years of hitting..but always so sorry after until the next time..and guess what would always be someone else fault.Even now ay 42 and 43 my sisters are still the same,I think they always will be..It is very sad but ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THE CHANGE-what you wrote above is spot on…

      • http://www.thrivingnow.com Thriving Now

        We feel part of the solution is to start co-creating a new circle of support, a “chosen” family so to speak that offers safety, respect, and freedom. For many people over the years, our group has been a fine place to start that process and FEEL what it is like to be around people who behave a different way. Would you like to join us?

        http://www.thrivingnow.com/team

  • Meg Wells

    My two older sisters enjoy talking about other people behind their backs and playing the blame game. As the youngest child I have endured their acid remarks, assults both physical and emotional and have been their punching bag for years. It has only been through tapping that I have learned to forgive them and accept them for who they are, as they can only hurt me if I allow them to; which I don’t any more.
    We can’t change who our family members are, what they do or how they act but we can change how we respond and interact with them.
    The tapping script for dealing with toxic family members is very appropriate and opens the flood gates on a lot of memories and emotional scars that can be tapped on, healing our past and changing our own outlook as a member of a dysfunctional family. 

  • Buttefly Within

    My ex-husband still thinks that he can manipulate me with his verbal abuse and telling me how evil I am.  He is also dragging our daugther into his toxicity and she is taking his side.  It is hard to remember that I am not what they see as he is seriously f…ed-up.  The tapping was so spot-on, it is almost as if it was written for me and what I feel at this moment.  I have let their negative thoughts drag me down and affect me and I will certainly do the tapping sequence everyday.  I have just done it and I feel lighter already.

    Hearfelt thanks once again for all the work you do and the inspiration and help you have given me so many times.

    • http://www.thrivingnow.com Thriving Now

      That’s certainly a difficult situation. I’ve tapped with clients who as children took the “scary parent’s side” because… well, it was safer than going against. Trauma can definitely get us to “conform” as a survival strategy… subconsciously. I’ll hold a Good Thought for you!

  • Semele_27

    I can relate to all of this.  My family is very toxic.  Every insult is done with a smile.  My grandparents–maternal–were very bad.  I never knew my father’s family and boy did they like to remind me.  My grandparents did not want my mother to have me in any way.  My father is Nigerian and my mother is white.  They were very racist and did everything they could to get my mom to put me up for adoption because we didn’t want any N*****S in the family.  Even when I was 25 they still tried to get rid of me.  My mom and I were never good enough for them for different reasons.  They didn’t even like my mom before I was born and it just got worse afterwards.  My mom and I had to bond together against their tirades about how fat and disgusting we were and how we would never amount to anything whereas my cousin (who’s male and the best thing since sliced bread) who is the reason why the earth, the sun and the moon revolved around each other.  Since then my grandmother has alzheimers and nobody goes to visit her but still expects to take care of her.  Mom and I have recently started moving away from them.  They of course aren’t having any of it. 

    Thanks for letting me share.

    • http://www.thrivingnow.com Thriving Now

      Those kinds of constant traumas do affect us. Have you looked at doing some Inner Tapping? We have a free presentation about it here: http://www.thrivingnow.com/innertapping

      If you’d like to work with an expert, my partner Cathy is excellent with this kind of work. http://www.thrivingnow.com/cathy
      I’ll hold a Good Thought for you! -Rick

    • Anand6

       I HOPE EVERYTHING IS ALL OK FOR YOU NOW..YA RACISMS HAPPENS IN THE FAMILY..I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FELT..JUST HANG ON AND WALK TRU THE TIMES WITH CONFIDENCE AND STAY POSITIVE…………………………..Rosse Anand